The Crushed Rock

In the midst of all the self-love & growth I've built within years since I lost you, here I lie my heart out again.

Here's to the place where it all began. It was the first I've felt in a really long time. To the many years lost because of hatred & grudge, I now crouch down in surrender to my Heavenly Father. For all the truths I've abundantly received over the years of recovery, I was confident I was standing strong on my own. Only through the love of Christ, i was able to love others again -- to love despite the chaos, to build bridges only in love. I was motivated in love, because I am receiving love in abundance. Here we are, many many years later. I sworn I could have never looked at you straight in the eye. Through God's grace, here we are in each other's presence once again. I was in awe of the conversation we've had in a really long time, the comfort that radiated in our chatter felt a lot like home. Yet at that moment, I felt so much like a crushed rock - broken from pressure & unable to move because of the nature of refusal.

There is no fear in love.

Truth be told, it never occured to me why commitment was & still is such a hard value for me to practice. Only through embracing your presence, I realized the flame I burnt for you had never vanished. Through the hurt & anger that flowed through my veins for years, I was able to bury it deep below my heart, so much that it never bothered me to think about you once in awhile. I learnt to keep my focus on building my relationship with the people around me, with the grace of a nurtured Holy Spirit. It was then that I realize - love could be shared in so many ways, to so many different people. The comfort radiated from your presence & of our little conversations triggered a revelation that I never wanted to realize. I am in denial, even as I type my heart out on this; because after all these years, my heart still yearns of the love we used to share. Here I am, guilty of embracing the love I've been receiving from the angels that God has blessed me with, only to realize that my love for them never felt as genuine as my love for ours. Today was a much needed reconciliation, a really good closure for me. It took me a really long time to accept my mistakes which caused a complete loss, but I am forever grateful for the lesson you gave in my life. Even in reminiscence, even as a wishful thought, my love for you will only continue to flourish like a mustard seed nurtured in perfect soil. As I embrace our last moments together, before we completely part for our individual journeys, I pray that the Lord may continue to be present in your life. may He give you the courage to always put your best foot forward in all that you do, so that through your successes, you may see how good the Lord has been & will continue to be. I pray for your everlasting happiness, however the Lord wishes for you to receive. Through your presence, may you be the salt & light in the lives of those whom you care for. I love you for who you were and whoever you may become, but because our time is up - i will continue to share in this love for you, from afar. Holy Mary Mother of God, I pray for the intercession of my fellow brother in Christ, that through his love for the Lord, may he learn to shape his heart to receive Jesus in wholeness and truth.

Love always,

your first love.

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